Shame: the Adderall withdrawal symptom I am most afraid of.
Dear colleague or loved one,
The closer I get to the day of my next Adderall refill, the more I wish to warn you of what is coming. I could worry about the physical symptoms of withdrawal that I will feel, or become frustrated that controlled substance regulations make my month-by-month refills so uncertain in the first place. Instead, I have spent my time worrying about how my ADHD will affect you when this Adderall shortage hits me and I am forced to go without my medication.
Running out of meds. Image created by deepAI image generator.
Despite ADHD being one of the most well-studied psychiatric conditions, the myths surrounding it are pervasive. I often think about how they affect those around me and our relationships with one another. At work, it doesn’t matter that my coworkers value my strengths, respect my leadership, and admire my integrity. Every time I arrive late to a meeting, I know that some of them feel disrespected. At home, it doesn’t matter that I love my boyfriend dearly and cherish our conversations. Every time I interrupt him mid-sentence, I know he might wonder if I didn’t care to listen.
ADHD is a combination of traits that makes me exceptionally creative. I have the brain of a risk-taker who speaks her mind, sees the big picture, and approaches every problem with passion and dedication. At the same time, my ADHD also makes me blind to the passage of time and so impulsive at times that it is hard to allow others to finish even a single sentence. It makes my thoughts appear scattered even if what I’m thinking about might be brilliant. It makes me consistently forget appointments, say things I regret, buy things I don’t need, and feel incompetent almost every day when my brain refuses to engage in simple tasks that give other people no trouble.
So, dear colleague or loved one: There is still an ADHD medication shortage and when it starts affecting me, it will definitely affect you. I will experience unpleasant physical symptoms and I will annoy you more than usual. I know that my meds don’t cure ADHD, they just make it more manageable. I will still be me. I will be just as fun, quirky, and creative once I run out of my meds next week. What I worry about most is the shame I will feel when I realize that the way my brain works has the potential to hurt you and that often there will be little I can do to stop it.
What I can do is let you know that I’ll be trying very hard though it may not be obvious. I will be trying even harder than usual. Most people with ADHD try incredibly hard to manage symptoms every single day. We struggle with basic human tasks that don’t come naturally to us and with controlling impulses so strong that they can sometimes overwhelm us. We try to tell ourselves that we shouldn’t feel ashamed of who we are and how our brains work, but that becomes nearly impossible once we realize how those around us are affected.
What you can do is offer your patience. Cut me some slack, but not too much, because my brain works extremely well in time crunches and during crises. You can give me words of encouragement and appreciation - those of us with invisible struggles often don’t get enough of that. Above all, you can remain aware that my brain, though very different, is still exceptional and that the better you get to know it, the less I will feel ashamed of it.